Continuing my exploration of how I project my energy in relation to work since I wrote the last article, I’ve been incorporating lots of change. Last Monday I faced lots of pressure and tension since there was an incident with one of the application I have in charge. It was one of many, and I’ve been involved for so long in this particular role that I am taking responsibility for what is happening even if I am not directly involved.

This was one of the last big pressure I imposed myself and the next day, when another incident began I looked briefly at the mail and I made my decision: I told my colleagues that it was their turn to take care of everything, I had other things to do. This made me realize that I was the one putting the heavy burden and the pressure on myself. Nobody was telling me to do it, and when everybody was coming to me and begging for help, it was only because I was responding and taking responsibility. This decision on Tuesday showed me I could stop that self-imposed ordeal.

I am now gradually removing my attention and my presence from the different activities I was busying myself with and it feels a bit strange, but it is the direction I want to follow. Another indication that I was the one not wanting to let go of all that.

At the end of the day today, I’ve been facing an opposition coming from one of these “old” activities and I felt a strong and intense response of opposition myself, and other people were adding to that direction of opposition. I made another decision, not to oppose and not to compromise either. Coming home, I was still feeling that energy of opposition and tensions, and that’s when I realized that I was projecting my attention in the direction of the continuation of that situation. Another analogy came to mind. Continue reading »

written by araili \\ tags: analogy, game, mahjong, work

Since a few days I am more attracted by looking at associations and how they mingle with my creating of my reality.

It has been challenging but as I am more adept at noticing and that I realize that I am the one who made these connections and these absolutes in the first place, I have the power to give them more energy or starve them, so to speak.

This post had been triggered by my last dreams of the night, I was dreaming quite intensely of work. Quite a word full of associations, indeed. And most of them I didn’t realize until now. It was so part of the scenery, it was so deeply connected with the word that I couldn’t notice them but by my reactions to the word or to the idea of going to work.

Most of the time, and I did quite dramatically lower the effect of the word, I have this feeling of hopelessness or that feeling of being tired. No apparent reason but the mere thought of working. It is a diffuse feeling as it is not connected specifically to anything I can identify precisely. It is like an atmosphere filling in the environment, the whole area outside and inside.

When I go to work in the morning, I can feel a river of stress and anxiety more or less intense, depending on the hour. Most of the time, and I’m pretty sure it’s not only my associations, I can feel the rush people are projecting and also the pull back or repulsion they are vomitting, 2 opposite directions creating polarization.

Last night, I dreamt of work. I was explaining to the big boss why it was not possible to do what he was asking for. I was quite convincing and quite absolute… And I realized at the end of the dream that I could try something else before being so categorical. I had a few ideas flying around in my mind, so to speak, and I was at the same time feeling very uncomfortable. It was like I couldn’t help thinking about work, I couldn’t disengage from that process or that area… like I was being stuck on the juicy surface of a carnivorous plant.

The most obvious association with work I have is that it obviously can’t possibly be fun. Other ones are that people are demanding, it is not spiritual, it is exhausting, you have to go fast and be quick, being responsive all the time, you have to smile all the time, you have to obey, you have to compromise, it is a continuous struggle, you have to separate it from home, it is imposed upon you, you have not chosen it even if it appears to you that you did… and there are so many others unnoticed and well hidden in the jungle of you thoughts some of them influencing or triggering other associations in seemingly different areas of your life…

I want to be my own employer so to speak, I want to incorporate more of my own direction in my working life… but I bet that with associations like that I’m not very in a rush to accomplish it. If changing my job would be a step toward this realization, it would also mean having to comply with other persons, different rules, would I know what to do? How to appear? A world of fakeness…. and why am I putting so much energy into work and not into my own personal interests? Work can’t be an interest, it is for living and eating but you have only so much money that you have so spare for when you want to do great things…

Don’t be so harsh with yourself,

Take a break!

(and with this picture I don’t mean disengage, those are again associations)

I reject the power I put each time I’m engaging the direction of work, and at home I wonder why I am so tired and won’t do the things I say or think I want to do… if I was to put only a tenth of the power I put into my working life in my personal life, I would do great things

written by araili \\ tags: absolute, associations, connection, energy, power, reality, self, work

This was a weird beginning of the week. Maybe due to the fact that I was going to Spain on Thursday (tomorrow) and that I felt already in holidays… I hadn’t any desire or will to work. I managed to create peaceful activities and stretch my lunch breaks I read some articles about photography, I read manuals and I practiced a lot with my alternates selves all these aspects.

Yesterday, I was told that I had to attend a presentation on Thursday and on Friday… Well I reminded them gently that I would not be able to do so, being in Spain… They seemed surprised and I told her that I had already told that to the big boss a few weeks ago. Something he had conveniently disposed of apparently… It was another peaceful activity and something that helped me end the day earlier today.

This presentation was like a hallucination Continue reading »

written by araili

Some images of dinosaurs were nudging my imagination since a few days. I eventually got the Jurassic park trilogy, assuming in a way that I wanted to see the movies… and today we watched the 3 of them with Eric. Well, I’m not sure if I got what I was looking for, I feel a bit tired and as if I were force-fed.

Too many dinos and “Oh my god! What have we done?” which seems to be one of the favorite replicas of our cinematographic industry these days

There is one thing that caught my attention while I was watching these movies. I was busy looking at the images, the photography, the exposure, the lights, how the screen was empty or full, how my attention was attracted or distracted from what seemed to be the main subject of the scene.

That was interesting because I was focusing on completely different aspects of the movies that I would normally have. I’ll be looking for other connections in the next few days, and every aspects seems like a weaving of the reality.

Coming back to the dinosaur connection, it may have been with a scientific guy with whom I was counterparting, or a boy fascinated with his dinosaur toys, or some dream of an alien dimension into which they had migrated since their disappearance of Earth actually that is not so interesting to me as I don’t feel the need to look for this kind of information.

written by araili \\ tags: connection, dinosaur, photo

After we finished lunch today, no dessert would fit for me. I wanted nothing special, and maybe I didn’t want any dessert at all. Nonetheless I decided to take a glass of milk and some biscuits, something I used to love so much a few months ago and that I haven’t taken since Eric’s moved in.

My choice fall upon some shell-shaped cookies with bits of chocolate and I dipped them into the cup of milk (yeah actually I took a mug and not the glass you can see in picture ) and ate them… expecting this ecstasy feeling I always had when doing so and drinking the glass of milk…

I didn’t even finished the milk, I had no pleasure with the soaked cookies and the taste of that beverage… I was very surprised by this drastic change of preference as it used to be one of my favorite drinks… I can still remember the feeling of cold or not so cold milk falling into my throat and filling up my stomach… no more of that.

written by araili \\ tags: milk, preference