Since a few days I am more attracted by looking at associations and how they mingle with my creating of my reality.

It has been challenging but as I am more adept at noticing and that I realize that I am the one who made these connections and these absolutes in the first place, I have the power to give them more energy or starve them, so to speak.

This post had been triggered by my last dreams of the night, I was dreaming quite intensely of work. Quite a word full of associations, indeed. And most of them I didn’t realize until now. It was so part of the scenery, it was so deeply connected with the word that I couldn’t notice them but by my reactions to the word or to the idea of going to work.

Most of the time, and I did quite dramatically lower the effect of the word, I have this feeling of hopelessness or that feeling of being tired. No apparent reason but the mere thought of working. It is a diffuse feeling as it is not connected specifically to anything I can identify precisely. It is like an atmosphere filling in the environment, the whole area outside and inside.

When I go to work in the morning, I can feel a river of stress and anxiety more or less intense, depending on the hour. Most of the time, and I’m pretty sure it’s not only my associations, I can feel the rush people are projecting and also the pull back or repulsion they are vomitting, 2 opposite directions creating polarization.

Last night, I dreamt of work. I was explaining to the big boss why it was not possible to do what he was asking for. I was quite convincing and quite absolute… And I realized at the end of the dream that I could try something else before being so categorical. I had a few ideas flying around in my mind, so to speak, and I was at the same time feeling very uncomfortable. It was like I couldn’t help thinking about work, I couldn’t disengage from that process or that area… like I was being stuck on the juicy surface of a carnivorous plant.

The most obvious association with work I have is that it obviously can’t possibly be fun. Other ones are that people are demanding, it is not spiritual, it is exhausting, you have to go fast and be quick, being responsive all the time, you have to smile all the time, you have to obey, you have to compromise, it is a continuous struggle, you have to separate it from home, it is imposed upon you, you have not chosen it even if it appears to you that you did… and there are so many others unnoticed and well hidden in the jungle of you thoughts some of them influencing or triggering other associations in seemingly different areas of your life…

I want to be my own employer so to speak, I want to incorporate more of my own direction in my working life… but I bet that with associations like that I’m not very in a rush to accomplish it. If changing my job would be a step toward this realization, it would also mean having to comply with other persons, different rules, would I know what to do? How to appear? A world of fakeness…. and why am I putting so much energy into work and not into my own personal interests? Work can’t be an interest, it is for living and eating but you have only so much money that you have so spare for when you want to do great things…

Don’t be so harsh with yourself,

Take a break!

(and with this picture I don’t mean disengage, those are again associations)

I reject the power I put each time I’m engaging the direction of work, and at home I wonder why I am so tired and won’t do the things I say or think I want to do… if I was to put only a tenth of the power I put into my working life in my personal life, I would do great things

written by araili \\ tags: absolute, associations, connection, energy, power, reality, self, work

With what happened yesterday, I’ve been thinking today about doubt. How I use it, how it is triggered, how it is useful and how it can be unnecessary.

Doubt in my perception seems to be triggered by absolutes. It is in a way connected to absolutes.

When I talk to someone and he or her expresses absolute or something with somewhat of an intensity, and if I compare with my movement or some aspects of myself, if I accept this intensity and incorporate it with the idea that is expressed it triggers doubt about my own ideas or personnal identity or personnal value. In this I think it is also connected to being present. If you’re not being present with yourself and are not familiar with what you are doing or expressing, you don’t really know or recognize if it’s your own energy or the energy of “others”.

I feel there is many forms of doubt. You can doubt anything, any idea, anyone. That would not negate that particular thing or individual or energy. That would just offer you new choices, especially if you had made the idea, the thing, or the individual an absolute, or something rigid. Doubt offer somewhat of a flexibility in the energy.

When turned “against” yourself, or what you associate to yourself, it is like a strong removal of you from you. Really not being present. It is a bit confused to me now because I’m seeing different avenues or connections that I wasn’t seeing before I decided to write the article.

Mmmm. Ok, doubt is associate that it exists absolutes. If there is no absolute, there is no need for doubt as we can focus on any aspect and don’t need to “negate” them to move our attention from them.

Hahaha, it seems that it is unnecessary to me to write further about that.

:)

written by araili \\ tags: absolute, doubt, self