Arailiberty

Yesterday I had a significant experience. It triggered many automatic responses and associations. At the moment I wasn’t quite sure or trusting myself, and I was very doubtful and uncertain of what to do or say.

I met a woman on messenger 2 weeks ago, and she told me she felt a connection. I was feeling that connection too and I was also feeling a bit uneasy with her energy. I felt it pushy and full of expectations. She had already asked me to talk to her directly, like phone or messenger audio… I’d said no then, partly because I was uncomfortable with her energy and partly because it was late and I didn’t want to talk much. She insisted strongly that I wouldn’t let her like that and that we connected again through messenger and audio. For me it is OK.

A few days ago I sent her a hug smiley on messenger but she was offline. I got an answer and she was glad I sent her that hug.

Yesterday night I was doing a med and I received a message from her. She was asking me if I was really “around there…” referring to the message on my messenger Well I just ended the med we were doing with my friends and sent her greetings.

As soon as we began talking, she asked me to call her so we could speak. I told her I was already in audio com with a friend, and I was, and that I would prefer talk through messenger. I was feeling again that pushy energy, that forcing that I was so uncomfortable with. There were no reason for me to push her away and I didn’t. We just chat a little like that and she was asking me again to call her. And she was telling me I was hiding and that she didn’t like hiding.

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written by araili \\ tags: aspects, associations, being present, beliefs, opposition, self

I’ve always considered that periods of inactivity were boring and that they sucked… I wasn’t doing anything and wasn’t creating anything and was wasting my time and so on… many associations were triggered and not always valid, meaning not concerning myself directly. I spoke about the apparent slowness of my current physical creation, and this morning I had the impression I was indeed doing that to offer me time to evaluate what I’m doing when I’m doing nothing.

This morning I had the impression I was “disconnected” from my beloved one but it was more that I was focused on myself… I still feel the interactions we’re generating but I’m not focusing on the thoughts, on the ideas that I should do this or that to be connecting, or that this imagery is meaning this or that. Actually physical imagery and the meaning I attach to it is becoming more and more flexible and fluctuating. It can even change in a blink because I’m directing my energy differently. The physical imagery is apparently the same, but the meaning and the direction is different and it begins to move differently and reshapes in accordance to my new energy.

This is even more interesting because last night I played with “being present” and not focusing myself only on the usual aspects I focused on… I let the feelings, the stimuli come and don’t try to attach them to anything, not reshaping them with the associations I already have as paintings on a wall it’s not so easy. Noticing that I just let me be these previously unnoticed aspects of myself. I feel it’s creating new interesting developpements of my exploration.

This aspect allows me to recognize the continuous interactions and the continuous connections I have with other aspects including other essences and counterparts and so on as well as my own focuses.

written by araili \\ tags: attention, being present, self

Well Yuki’s post on his blog made me think of my own experience of slowness in my current movement. The previous movement was one of oscilation between different aspects (one job or another, one relation to another), and I even tried for my relationship to create a multiple relationship expression… Well that wasn’t really what I wanted, even if I accept this monogamy belief, I don’t necessarily want to create a multiple romantic relationship.

Now, after the oscillating effect, many things seem blocked or immobile, even at times they seem to go backward. In my work it manifest as a slowness in the new company to make their offer (contract and salary and so on), in the everyday life it manifests as strikes all around the country, and in my relationship it manifest as my ex-boyfriend (who still lives with me) can’t find a proper appartment, either he doesn’t like them or he’s not the chosen one amongst many.

Well these oscillating and now immobile movements make me wonder if I’m in the center of a seesaw, in a manner of speaking… Maybe if I just explore this centeredness in myself, in my own innerworld, I may manifest more quickly what I want. Though I’m still in the process of exploring “WHAT DO I WANT”. It seems easy but it’s trickier than I first thought. It’s not a matter of knowing what do I want to distract myself and make me unnotice the time and myself until someone or something really interesting catches my attention… It is more like what do I want to express now. It is directly related to my intent which is strongly about exploration of expression of self / aspects of consciousness.

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written by araili \\ tags: being present, movement, seesaw, self, slowness