Arailiberty

Yesterday I had a significant experience. It triggered many automatic responses and associations. At the moment I wasn’t quite sure or trusting myself, and I was very doubtful and uncertain of what to do or say.

I met a woman on messenger 2 weeks ago, and she told me she felt a connection. I was feeling that connection too and I was also feeling a bit uneasy with her energy. I felt it pushy and full of expectations. She had already asked me to talk to her directly, like phone or messenger audio… I’d said no then, partly because I was uncomfortable with her energy and partly because it was late and I didn’t want to talk much. She insisted strongly that I wouldn’t let her like that and that we connected again through messenger and audio. For me it is OK.

A few days ago I sent her a hug smiley on messenger but she was offline. I got an answer and she was glad I sent her that hug.

Yesterday night I was doing a med and I received a message from her. She was asking me if I was really “around there…” referring to the message on my messenger Well I just ended the med we were doing with my friends and sent her greetings.

As soon as we began talking, she asked me to call her so we could speak. I told her I was already in audio com with a friend, and I was, and that I would prefer talk through messenger. I was feeling again that pushy energy, that forcing that I was so uncomfortable with. There were no reason for me to push her away and I didn’t. We just chat a little like that and she was asking me again to call her. And she was telling me I was hiding and that she didn’t like hiding.

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written by araili \\ tags: aspects, associations, being present, beliefs, opposition, self

There are lots of opposition expressed all around currently, strikes, opposition at work, in my current cohabitation with my ex-boyfriend, and it is seemingly “good”, but the undercurrent of energy feels very heavy to me. I’m reflecting my own opposition and adding to the mass opposition at the same time.

Yesterday evening I’ve been feeling such a crap… it was expressing in different areas, and it had been expressed throughout my day; feeling of generating void in my life and in my work, feeling of generating obligations, feeling of generating others creating my reality or creating the choices I had… It was very frustrating and I couldn’t speak with people… that’s the point with me, when I feel very crappy I can’t speak and I won’t tell anybody… as soon as I begin to say I feel crap and to express being crap, it’s a signal that I feel a lot better, and at times I’m even having a tremendous fun. But I bear in mind that it is not an absolute, it is my current way of expressing myself. And that is not the part I want to explore now, but it is a mean of expression and a way of releasing the tensions. I just don’t have to oppose myself in that

Well I’ve been exploring multifocused attention for quite a time now, though I was telling myself I couldn’t really manage that. Yesterday I realized I’ve been generating evidences of it in my everyday life for a few weeks, but wasn’t paying attention. There are many layers and threads of consciousness attached and connected to my current focuses of attention of this particular focus… (if you want clarification, just send me a mail ) and I’m currently realizing that even my thought process is not so singularized. I’m able to follow multiple threads of thoughts and multiple threads of actions. When I notice it with my “official” aspect, the one that is the most singularized, it becomes overwhelming… when I allow more aspects to be proeminents and thin the veil between them, and even merge them to a certain extent, I can follow those multiple actions and my choosing aspects work in harmony… I’ll come upon that later and clarify in another post. That’s part of my current explorations.

The funny thing is that it was reflected in the first episode of Stargate Atlantis that I watched yesterday night, ‘coz I couldn’t really sleep. I don’t watched it entirely but in the part I saw, Rodney, the scientist found himself in the position of a fighter, he had to destroy asteroids with drones and he told his friend he couldn’t manage to follow 4 drones at a time… well just do it! And he did!! I liked the reflection.

Well I feel I had told everything for now… the rest will come later.

written by araili \\ tags: attention, brooding, multiple focus, opposition, self