Since a few days I am more attracted by looking at associations and how they mingle with my creating of my reality.

It has been challenging but as I am more adept at noticing and that I realize that I am the one who made these connections and these absolutes in the first place, I have the power to give them more energy or starve them, so to speak.

This post had been triggered by my last dreams of the night, I was dreaming quite intensely of work. Quite a word full of associations, indeed. And most of them I didn’t realize until now. It was so part of the scenery, it was so deeply connected with the word that I couldn’t notice them but by my reactions to the word or to the idea of going to work.

Most of the time, and I did quite dramatically lower the effect of the word, I have this feeling of hopelessness or that feeling of being tired. No apparent reason but the mere thought of working. It is a diffuse feeling as it is not connected specifically to anything I can identify precisely. It is like an atmosphere filling in the environment, the whole area outside and inside.

When I go to work in the morning, I can feel a river of stress and anxiety more or less intense, depending on the hour. Most of the time, and I’m pretty sure it’s not only my associations, I can feel the rush people are projecting and also the pull back or repulsion they are vomitting, 2 opposite directions creating polarization.

Last night, I dreamt of work. I was explaining to the big boss why it was not possible to do what he was asking for. I was quite convincing and quite absolute… And I realized at the end of the dream that I could try something else before being so categorical. I had a few ideas flying around in my mind, so to speak, and I was at the same time feeling very uncomfortable. It was like I couldn’t help thinking about work, I couldn’t disengage from that process or that area… like I was being stuck on the juicy surface of a carnivorous plant.

The most obvious association with work I have is that it obviously can’t possibly be fun. Other ones are that people are demanding, it is not spiritual, it is exhausting, you have to go fast and be quick, being responsive all the time, you have to smile all the time, you have to obey, you have to compromise, it is a continuous struggle, you have to separate it from home, it is imposed upon you, you have not chosen it even if it appears to you that you did… and there are so many others unnoticed and well hidden in the jungle of you thoughts some of them influencing or triggering other associations in seemingly different areas of your life…

I want to be my own employer so to speak, I want to incorporate more of my own direction in my working life… but I bet that with associations like that I’m not very in a rush to accomplish it. If changing my job would be a step toward this realization, it would also mean having to comply with other persons, different rules, would I know what to do? How to appear? A world of fakeness…. and why am I putting so much energy into work and not into my own personal interests? Work can’t be an interest, it is for living and eating but you have only so much money that you have so spare for when you want to do great things…

Don’t be so harsh with yourself,

Take a break!

(and with this picture I don’t mean disengage, those are again associations)

I reject the power I put each time I’m engaging the direction of work, and at home I wonder why I am so tired and won’t do the things I say or think I want to do… if I was to put only a tenth of the power I put into my working life in my personal life, I would do great things

written by araili \\ tags: absolute, associations, connection, energy, power, reality, self, work

Since last week I’m having many imageries about disengagement. Reflecting with friends, movies, stories, meds, feelings, dreams. I’m not considering disengaging though. The process I’ve been exploring made me think about this concept. I explore in a way the disengagement with other focuses… I’m having lots of dream with disengaged people or maybe people who are willing to do so…

Saturday afternoon I went to see a friend and took a hot chocolate, it was a bit cold, I had to give him back 2 dvds, and it was in a way kind of an au revoir. I’m not sure I’ll see him again as I’m moving in another probability that’s way more attractive and fun. This friend was with me in Vienna for the group session in June. He didn’t attend the session though. There was a strongly emotional episode for him in a restaurant. We were eating and having fun, joking and telling jibberish when suddenly he turned red, had something blocked in the throat and the others were just keeping on joking… I had the impulse to push the tables away and just make room for him, help him spit out this thing that was blocking his breathing… I broke some plates and glasses in the process, the people of the restaurant were looking oddly at what was happening

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written by araili \\ tags: aspects, disengagement, self

With what happened yesterday, I’ve been thinking today about doubt. How I use it, how it is triggered, how it is useful and how it can be unnecessary.

Doubt in my perception seems to be triggered by absolutes. It is in a way connected to absolutes.

When I talk to someone and he or her expresses absolute or something with somewhat of an intensity, and if I compare with my movement or some aspects of myself, if I accept this intensity and incorporate it with the idea that is expressed it triggers doubt about my own ideas or personnal identity or personnal value. In this I think it is also connected to being present. If you’re not being present with yourself and are not familiar with what you are doing or expressing, you don’t really know or recognize if it’s your own energy or the energy of “others”.

I feel there is many forms of doubt. You can doubt anything, any idea, anyone. That would not negate that particular thing or individual or energy. That would just offer you new choices, especially if you had made the idea, the thing, or the individual an absolute, or something rigid. Doubt offer somewhat of a flexibility in the energy.

When turned “against” yourself, or what you associate to yourself, it is like a strong removal of you from you. Really not being present. It is a bit confused to me now because I’m seeing different avenues or connections that I wasn’t seeing before I decided to write the article.

Mmmm. Ok, doubt is associate that it exists absolutes. If there is no absolute, there is no need for doubt as we can focus on any aspect and don’t need to “negate” them to move our attention from them.

Hahaha, it seems that it is unnecessary to me to write further about that.

:)

written by araili \\ tags: absolute, doubt, self

Yesterday I had a significant experience. It triggered many automatic responses and associations. At the moment I wasn’t quite sure or trusting myself, and I was very doubtful and uncertain of what to do or say.

I met a woman on messenger 2 weeks ago, and she told me she felt a connection. I was feeling that connection too and I was also feeling a bit uneasy with her energy. I felt it pushy and full of expectations. She had already asked me to talk to her directly, like phone or messenger audio… I’d said no then, partly because I was uncomfortable with her energy and partly because it was late and I didn’t want to talk much. She insisted strongly that I wouldn’t let her like that and that we connected again through messenger and audio. For me it is OK.

A few days ago I sent her a hug smiley on messenger but she was offline. I got an answer and she was glad I sent her that hug.

Yesterday night I was doing a med and I received a message from her. She was asking me if I was really “around there…” referring to the message on my messenger Well I just ended the med we were doing with my friends and sent her greetings.

As soon as we began talking, she asked me to call her so we could speak. I told her I was already in audio com with a friend, and I was, and that I would prefer talk through messenger. I was feeling again that pushy energy, that forcing that I was so uncomfortable with. There were no reason for me to push her away and I didn’t. We just chat a little like that and she was asking me again to call her. And she was telling me I was hiding and that she didn’t like hiding.

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written by araili \\ tags: aspects, associations, being present, beliefs, opposition, self

I’ve always considered that periods of inactivity were boring and that they sucked… I wasn’t doing anything and wasn’t creating anything and was wasting my time and so on… many associations were triggered and not always valid, meaning not concerning myself directly. I spoke about the apparent slowness of my current physical creation, and this morning I had the impression I was indeed doing that to offer me time to evaluate what I’m doing when I’m doing nothing.

This morning I had the impression I was “disconnected” from my beloved one but it was more that I was focused on myself… I still feel the interactions we’re generating but I’m not focusing on the thoughts, on the ideas that I should do this or that to be connecting, or that this imagery is meaning this or that. Actually physical imagery and the meaning I attach to it is becoming more and more flexible and fluctuating. It can even change in a blink because I’m directing my energy differently. The physical imagery is apparently the same, but the meaning and the direction is different and it begins to move differently and reshapes in accordance to my new energy.

This is even more interesting because last night I played with “being present” and not focusing myself only on the usual aspects I focused on… I let the feelings, the stimuli come and don’t try to attach them to anything, not reshaping them with the associations I already have as paintings on a wall it’s not so easy. Noticing that I just let me be these previously unnoticed aspects of myself. I feel it’s creating new interesting developpements of my exploration.

This aspect allows me to recognize the continuous interactions and the continuous connections I have with other aspects including other essences and counterparts and so on as well as my own focuses.

written by araili \\ tags: attention, being present, self